To Whom It May Concern:
Recently, I had the pleasure of trying on one of your latest creations–the “swim dress”. You apparently spent many long hours fashioning these high necked, floral patterned, one piece bathing suits which have a little extra poof at the bottom. Said poof was likely attached to somehow make the women who’ve given birth feel like they are being well-hidden while wading in the kiddie pool.
I appreciate your effort. While I’ll admit that just about anything is better than the string bikini, I regret to inform you that the poofy swim dress hides nothing except a woman’s dignity. I liken wearing the swim dress to standing on one’s porch proclaiming to all who can hear or see: “May I have your attention, please? There are thighs and a rear end here that are not fit to be seen. I promise to do my very best to cover them and keep them out of your range of vision. Thank you for your support.”
All the while, the entire calf and more than 3/4 of the offending thigh remain exposed. What’s worse, the referenced body parts appear larger than they were before the swim dress was adorned (thanks to the tutu-like appendage).
While I believe that you ladies and gents are true geniuses (i.e. the male shift from Speedo to trunks), I regret to say that you have failed miserably this time out. Thanks for the effort, but next time, how about a knee length version?
Lots of love,
Me and the women who hate you.