9 things you should never say to your wife

Parenting Magazine recently came out with a list of 9 things you should never say to your child. Unfortunately, they published the article a bit too late, since I’ve said most of them numerous times. This got me to thinking “what about the rest of us?” I may not be a parenting pro, but I’ve been a wife long enough to have gained some insight on what will or will not get you in trouble. So men, this is your lucky day. I asked my Facebook and Twitter followers to tell me what bugs them most. From that, I compiled a list of top 9 things you should never say to your wife (you can thank me later).

1. Why don’t you go to the gym? I don’t care if your wife is a world class body builder who works out 5 times a day or if you’re just trying to let her get out of the house. Nothing good can come from asking this question.

2. Did you change your hair?  This question is a no-no. It should be “Wow, I love what you did to your hair” or “nice haircut” or even ” dig the do”.  But asking if you’ve changed it implies something much less than “like” and will result in a lady with a sour look on her face.

3. You’re eating again? (or some variation thereof): Gentlemen, we are women. Sometimes we eat when we have PMS or are depressed or are lonely or are happy or are bored. Our moms didn’t let us eat whatever we wanted when we were little. Then we had to starve ourselves in order to look good enough to get you to look at us in the first place. Now we’re grown ups and all we really want is to eat in peace. SO LEAVE US THE HELL ALONE ABOUT THE FACT THAT WE’RE EATING AGAIN!  Thank you.

4. Is there any food in the house? Here’s another eating no-no. Yes, there’s plenty of food. There’d better be since we go to the grocery store 36 times a week. Open the refrigerator and take a look see. Yes, there appears to be foodstuffs in there. Do not ask us if there is anything to eat, you passive aggressive shits. Ask us to make you a damn sandwich. It would annoy us so much less.

5. Is this clean or dirty? (when looking inside a dishwasher that you’ve been asked to empty since yesterday). Just look around on the plates and cups and figure it out, for the love of God.  If there’s curdled milk or tomato sauce in there, odds are it’s dirty. (It wouldn’t kill you to run the thing while you’re at it).

6. How am I supposed to know? in response to any question posed by your wife, including “Did the kids have a snack?,” “did the kids shower?,” “is the mortgage paid for this month?”  Consider yourselves on notice that you ARE supposed to know everything at all times.

7. Is there clean laundry? I’m almost out of underwear. Gentlemen, when we hear these words, there are one of two things we think: 1) “I’m a failure as a housewife. I can’t even keep up with his dirty underwear!” or 2) ”Wash your own damn underwear you lazy slug!”  (Of course, I only ever think the former). In other words, you really shouldn’t ask this question under any circumstances.  If you want to get the job done, however, I would recommend piling all the dirty underwear in a place where she’s sure to find it. Like, perhaps in front of the spot where she keeps her Xanax.

8. Do you really need more black shoes?  Black shoes are like money–we can never have enough. So, the answer is: “Yes, we do need more black shoes.” Just accept it and move on.

9. It’s THAT time of the month again? Are you kidding me?! I’m guessing if you actually got someone to agree to marry you, you are smart enough not to ever utter these words. But, if you ever feel like saying it, just remember, our little friend visits uninvited EVERY SINGLE MONTH from the time we are wee little jr. high schoolers until we’re too damn old to even enjoy not having it anymore! YES, EVERY SINGLE MONTH for approximately 40 years! (unless we’re pregnant and feel gross and gigantic for other reasons). So, don’t ever, ever act surprised when you hear that it’s THAT time again (even if it was just THAT time a week ago).

Coming soon…9 things you should never say to your husband!